Letters

Keith and Janet Sanders

Yellowknife, Northwest Territories

May 2005

The experience of adopting from Brazil has been special in more ways than we can recount. But being a man of many words (why use one where a couple of thousand will easily do), I’ll try ¼

In all this wonderful experience, there was a defining moment for me that maybe tore me up but, at the same time lifted me way up. Our first visit to the orphanage was highly charged of course – we were meeting Ju, Jef and Jess for the first time and I was radically nervous. But it was the whole experience there that changed me and still holds my imagination.

As our 3 Jays showed us around their home of the last three and a half years, a growing gaggle of their friends joined us and, in turn, attached themselves to us. They were curious, appreciative, truly delighted for our three children and unutterably endearing. How could I manage to leave them there ? I could have scooped up every one of them or better still stayed there for them. I know that’s only selfish – really the orphanage is a wonderful place and the love these children enjoyed, while it wasn’t the love of an ‘own’ Mum or Dad was every bit as true and valid. Irma Anise and all the Sisters, madrinhas and padrinhas (godmothers and godfathers) and volunteers at the orphanage do a wonderful job.

No matter what we do in life, what little we can do to help these children who have been left behind in the life stakes of childhood when dedicated care and nurture is most effective and important, every little bit is important and brings a feeling of true worth to be enjoyed, perhaps savoured and held close to warm those cold nights of self-doubt, those heated moments when communication with our own kids has gone sadly awry. I can only hope that the few moments I could spend with them and hopefully assure them that they were completely important to me at that moment, still touches them now that I have gone from their lives.

Even more I hope that someone, with true love in their heart, can come and give them what I now can’t – a hearth to feel warmed, arms to hold away their fears and loneliness, humour to light their way in life, a model of friendship and love that they can give and then feel the measure of peace and satisfaction in a life lived fully. An opportunity to test themselves without fear of falling and knowing that risk is not just worth rewards – it makes life worth living.

Ju(liane), Jef(erson) and Jess(ica) ¼ what’s to say ? They have brought liveliness and life to our home ¼ turmoil and life, a healthy tiredness and life, purpose and life ¼ fun, appreciation for how lucky we are, achievement – oh, come on, I can’t list all the things and you know what they are anyway. They have smiles that mesmerize and make our friends smile. They have needs that everyone wants to help fulfill. I could go on and on. Of course, they have demands and needs that are darker but these last only a short time – I call Jess my Ms. Eight and a Half Minutes – no snit has ever lasted longer than that – yet. Ju still has to warm to me yet but she and Janet have a great relationship and time will bring things around. The friendship Jef has extended to me is a warm thing: it makes a very satisfying son father relationship.

Was our month and a half in Brazil worth it ? I’m sorry but the question doesn’t mean anything to me. Was it too long ? Not as long as my Partner and our office staff could do without me (not too difficult). And, anyway, how else would you have the uncluttered time to find out about your new kids’ lives and where they are coming from ? What would we say about LIMIAR and Cafac (Canadian adoption agency) ? Your care has been personal, not just personable. Your efforts were effective, both here in Canada and in country. We feel that the long experience of Cafac and LIMIAR in Brazil meant that CEJA (the Adoption Commission) staff were working with us, the Courts as institution and as the individual court workers and Judges were working with us and happy to see the adoption going through, the pass-port experience was humbling – it’s not every day you go to a crowded government office, go to the head of the queue and receive your children’s passports without a hitch and head home early! It was remarkable even on the way home, that immigration in Toronto were wildly helpful and saw us onto the earlier flight to speed our way home.

The outcome for us ? I can’t say everything but certainly we have a feeling that we are doing something to acknowledge how lucky we have been and that we’re taking the opportunity to balance the ledger.

What about kids in Russia, Somalia, China or Guatemala ¼ or, or, or ¼ Really, in the privileged position we now hold, I can only say that any and every child must surely deserve the chance at a one on one with a true parent, someone who will drop everything to focus on her or him. I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a child hoping and waiting for a family or watching a friend leaving forever with a new Mum and Dad. Does it make a difference where I am, where I came from, if I was abandoned because there was no other course for my Mum or Dad, if was orphaned by the death of my biological Mum and Dad, if I was stolen from my family by a perverted army and turned into a frightened, jaded soldier or army camp follower? Don’t ask me to choose, I’m really not strong enough. We did what was accessible to us and what we had some certainty we could do. Did we have it easy – well yes and no, some parts were and still are tough, many parts are just amazing and amazingly heartwarming. Would we have done anything differently – no, not in this lifetime. Would I say that older kids are just as worth it – oh yes. It’s a re-birth for your new kids and every bit as much a re-birth for us. It hasn’t re-defined us, just brought life into sharper focus.

That was from Keith, here is my addition :

People consider the time in Brazil to be a long one; by comparison to some countries, perhaps it is, but I do believe Russia requires 2 trips which would incur extra costs if not time. Having spent our time in Brazil, we have a greater grounding in our knowledge of the country, people, history and terrible poverty for many families. We are able to identify with what our children recall, and, of course being older, are able to share with us. We remember the food, the social structure, the huge difference between those who have and those who have not. I would not have such an in depth vision had we just gone and picked up our children and left, or worse have them delivered to our door so to speak. The latter may be possible with small babies, but when these babies grow up their families will not be able to “know” their child’s country of origin if they have never been, seen and experienced for themselves. We had quite a jaded view of Brazil before we left: beaches, favelas (slums) and possible dangers. The first two we saw the last we didn’t – but there was so very much more to the country. You think you know but when you go it is so different. Our visit gave us the change to experience the feelings of isolation in a foreign country, something our children had to do as they returned with us, and it is so much more challenging for them.

We chose to adopt older children and a sibling group. This was for no other reason that we felt they would assimilate easier within our family, although we were also aware that they are often the forgotten ones. We wished for more than one child as we didn’t want our child to feel totally isolated. We were lucky and now have three new children. I know many young couples would prefer babies, and that is the same for couples in Brazil. I admire Brazil for wanting to keep these younger children in their own environment, especially as there are waiting lists in Brazil for younger children. Whatever age a child is when they are adopted, you can almost guarantee there will be challenges along the way, just as in rearing birth children. We know our children have no delusions about their past; they can talk about it, hopefully work through it and put the pieces of the puzzle together to make a whole. They are both part of us and separate from us, but by embracing both cultures in our individual ways we have become a much more global family. I don’t think we would have been able to do this with younger children although I know some families can.

We have been back in Canada for almost 4 months now, how the time has flown. What is 6/7 weeks out of a lifetime? Our children are still waiting for summer and have never complained about our winter. They have adjusted remarkably well in our family, their school and the community. They are involved in after school activities and have a wonderful collection of really great friends. You can imagine our pride, and Juliane’s of course, when she brought final grades of 91.3% for Religious Studies and 87.7% for Social Studies. Granted Ju has had help at home and from friends at school to achieve these marks but that cannot detract from the immense courage and determination with which she has applied herself at school. She is beaming this week.

If we could start all over again, would we still do it?..........Oh yes. We wish we could go back for another month next year. We particularly appreciate the support we received from CAFAC and LIMIAR on our journey through the adoption process. We always felt you were friends and working for us.